Goodbye.

This is going to be the last time I write in this.
I've found that I've wasted too much of my time expressing myself through this blog
than I have to the people who mean the most to me.

It was a mistake.




Actions speak louder than words.

Later blogspot.
Hello life.

Hahahaha

it won't be to who you think it's to.


Word to the wise....

I woke up on the floor

At 3 am, in his arms.
leaning over me, he needed to make sure I was okay.
Blanketed by darkness and confusion, three fourths still asleep, he pulled me in, fear wreaking in his voice.
I woke up again, at 6 in the morning, alone in my bed, missing the thing I need the most.

Weird morning.
Weird day.
Weird night.

Haha, I fell for you.... literally.


(sorry, not funny <3)

I'm such a sucker for a sweet talker

yeah.

He showed me the new song they wrote.
"Do you want to know what the lyrics are?"

Brought me to tears.

It made me realize that I have to leave soon.
He wants me to go, to do what's best for me.
But that terrifies me more than he'll ever know.

City lights

are amazing at night, they make me miss home.
Ha, I'm sitting in my sister's apartment with Court and as she chats on the phone with Freddy, I'm just chillin, writing this blog haha.

So we went through a hell of a day, trying to get to my sister's apartment on time, get her to work on time, get to meet up with my friend matt on time.

However, Court took the train in later, met up with Kevin and met up with Matt and I. Dinner in a little Japanese place was excellent and saying goodbye to Kev and Matt was miserable. Ha, just thinking about it, I've known Matt for almost three years now, and this was the first time I saw him since The Early November Concert in April almost 2 years ago. Wow, haha. He's a great kid, tried to convince me to go to NYU with him and be an English major with him hah. Naw, I've got certain places to be.

Speaking of the C word... I've been thinking of places to apply :[
I think I'll apply to Yale, Stanford, Harvard, Cornell, TCNJ...

who the fuck knows....

.........

so take this now, as an apology of my best
it's taken a lot for me, to find the strength to say this.
Because it's been my wish
to wake up every morning in the bed where we first kissed
and not be held down, by the dreams that you'd forgive me and we could fall back asleep to it.
but now I've found
a special heart and hand to wake me up
because my dreaming's done
and his smile shines brighter than yours ever was.

Who knows

if anyone reads these. Hah, some part of me, actually a huge part of me hopes someone does.
Today, I woke up Dan's arms and I've never felt more amazing. Despite my medical situations right now that keep me in immense pain at the moment, I just looked at this amazing person, kissed his face and thought how lucky I am to have him wrapped around me. What's worse, is that every time I talk to him, or think about him, I get those obnoxious butterflies in my stomach.

In other news, I have no idea what's going on in my life besides him. Actually, now that I realize it, thank God for him, because without him, and a few other select friends (C,J,D), I'd probably be in a mental breakdown right now. They're pretty much the only thing I'm sure about...

And I know that I'm going to leave soon....
As current endeavors close, the "C" word unfortunately becomes the primary picture.
And as much as I told myself I'd tough it out, I fear that my page won't turn that way....
I don't want to leave him behind, but I'm terrified that I'll have to.


Please God, no.

You're all that I hoped I'd find.

I'm really tired.. I really think I have some disease or something, I dunno.
I got this piano today, and I've been playing Miserable at Best for the past hour or so, I pick up things pretty fast.
I'm gonna try my routine again, and hope I don't feel pain again :[
but no one will understand what that means.
Trust me, no one.


Don't let this go,
whoa
because you know I'm dying to let it show
wha-o
for every little thing that it's worth
I'm doing my best to break you from your comfort
because I know how much you'd love to leave this town behind.

and for the record

I'm going back to the start
when everything was right, and every word was meant to be said
and in my head, I wrote down the most fulfilling of my language
to compare and contrast to the strangest of feelings I've ever felt.

and I swear that this will come out alright
because I'm taking my last hopes and throwing them to fire
I've got these pens and ideas and endless phrases
metaphors and rambling stages
of sentences, I pray convey my childish hopes of praises.

he's got it right, we're not in it for the best
we've all got our hopes and promises
of what we're meant to be, what we swear you'll see
if you just give us a chance, I swear you'll be impressed.

And I know, I've said this once before
while sprawled out on your bedroom floor
the sky's the limit, don't ever stop it
you've got it, kid, you've got it
deep inside your lungs and throat,
this air is screaming to give it hope
to show that you've got this message, please God, it's got to give.
because this screaming is my cheap street medicine.

oy vey

mom just yelled at me for borrowing her face soap.

good to see the little things in life don't get to her.

I just don't know

what I want anymore.
I try so hard
for the things that make me happy
so fucking hard
to make everything okay for everyone
and then when something doesn't go right,
I feel like it's my fault.

I kind of wish it was my fault, so I could correct it
but when it's not my fault,
and there's nothing I can do to change the way people feel about something
I feel utterly helpless.

I wish I could save the world
But for now, I'm left... watching it fall.

Funny how..

I've met this boy.
The beginning couldn't have been more rough.
My afternoons were stressed and my nights were unsettled.
He'd always be on my thoughts and every message would make me smile.
It took me a while to break down his wall, and eventually I gave up and moved on.
But even when my head was looking somewhere else, he was still in my heart, refusing to leave.
So I fought, back and forth, with myself.
I knew it was wrong, he didn't deserve my time.
But he got it back anyway.

And now, I see the same boy in a different light.
Something soft and sincere,
I don't know how we got here, but I know I don't want to leave.
I'm afraid to admit this, to anyone, at all.
but only one other person has given me this pounding in my chest before.
and now I know there's a reason I'm in this.
Because I'm sure that without you.
...I'm not giving this away.




You've introduced me to the moment
oh but I'm looking to stay for good.
You asked me to stay forever.
Well, you know that I would, I would do anything.


<3d

Lolz

Let's get this started
I'm locked and loaded and you're the target
New Jersey, let's see, throw your hands in the air, sing as loud as you can sing.
all my friends will be backing me, so go tell your crew to grab everything
and meet me on the scene next to your outline in chalk drawn on the street.

the things that you have been offering, don't stand a chance
don't touch this melody, you'll see

I'm open for taking, these pills calm my shaking
my thoughts aren't the same but they keep me from making mistakes
that were breaking, all the things I wish that you were taking

the chance you had to save me

and not for nothing, I'll figure this one out on my own
and not to mention the words that you said
or anything involving the sheets, the sex, the bed.

and I'm starting to think that it all just might blow over.

I'm sorry for the beating your team is taking.

Autotune's turned up to keep your voice in balance
I've got your girl, a bass and talent
oh no, things could get ugly.

.................

It's official..

Daniel Joseph Hubner's a genius.

thank God

i was wrong.
it's never felt so good.
haha today, washing dishes with matthew, I told him, true freedom is freedom from what you want.

your wants enslave you, make you do anything to get it, you feel like you can't say no

true freedom is saying no to what you want, and now i know what freedom feels like

honest to God, rain has never felt so clean.

thanks for making it clear where I need to be.
I've never fallen asleep so happy before.

.....goddamnit....

tell me I'm wrong.
please, for the love of God.
because if that's about me,
I promise you tears.

And I thought to myself...

Lightening+ Rain+ 9:30 pm+ Cartel= a whole new world

try it sometime, you'll love life again.

EP came out.
So happy.


Hello world, I'm ready to live again.

<3lace

God Damn Facebook Horoscopes

Courtney will be the first to agree with me, that Facebook has everything right these days!

A few days ago, my horoscope said something like "The thing you've been waiting a really long time for is finally here and better than you ever expected"

Guessss what came?? OUR EP

the final mixed and edited version is finally here and I drove around New Jersey last night at 1 in the morning with Apples, listening to it.

So proud. It's awesome, I'm so happy with how it turned out.

AND not to mention, our new myspace layout is ballin' too! haha hilarious rightt?

I'm going to shower, I smell like deli meats.

Ew.

<3lace

Out of the basement, onto the dancefloor

Go read the new issue of AP, it's a goodie. Also, the fact that I want to marry Gabe from CSS doesn't really support my case, but go read it anyway.

I was feeling really off the past few days, and yesterday, I sat down and wrote some lyrics that I'm ridiculously proud of. Especially with the right melody and flow, they could do serious damage. I hope AJ's happy. He's gay :P <3

That's why I'm so excited to record these new songs with Rob Freeman in the next month. The songs we've been writing are spectacular, and my lyrics compliment them like a fedora to your best pair of shoes. With the CD being released this month, FINALLY, and new stuff with the band coming, and recording with Rob, I'm feeling things are looking up and brighter than lately.

And Ron and I are going to be starting video updates too, which will add to the surprises coming in the next few weeks. Reallyyy excited :].
I'm hungry... I've lost about 5 pounds the past few weeks... haha Running ftw.

Oh, adventure Friday, here we comeee.


<3lace

Coming Home...

Coming home is most definately one of the new songs on the new Sweet Talk cd, but it has so much meaning right now because baby bear came home today.

Wow, I had only been this miserable at the loss of someone once before, and the funny thing that it was also to Boston. However, he came home, and I took the three hour drive with him to Woodstock to drop off his cousin.


He's got me tangled up inside, with my emotions sitting open, and my heart left with no where to hide.


Oh, and Math for Lib. Arts? biggest joke of my life... I can't believe I'm dedicating 2 hours of my life every day for the next 5 weeks to this comedic sketch they call a math class.


Anyway, great day today :]

<3lace

For the Record

Wow, never have I been more excited for the things to come.

As far as school goes, whatever, I'll take my summer math class, get it out of the way and enjoy summer until the fall again.

Because we, as a band, have decided on some pretty huge changes and itinerary as far as the future of our band is concerned

the new songs are coming out amazing, completely surpassing our EP.
Honestly, it's so hard to listen to those songs... I mean, they're great songs, but two years old, you kind of want to show that you've matured as a musician...

well I've finished writing one of the four new songs that we'll be heading into the studio with... and when the song comes out, you'll see the specific way I had to write my lyrics and vocal parts (hint hint, partS, as in multiple) but hearing it in my head sounds great, so when it's in the recording, it should sound even more amazing.

I'm really anxious and excited to see what the rest of the world thinks of the new Sweet Talk, cause I know I'm very proud of the way they're coming out.

We're about half way done writing the music for the full length... all the songs need are melodies and what nots, but don't worry, I'm taking care of it.

Things look promising, and I couldn't be more excited.. I've even got a name for the new record, which OF COURSE I'm not telling anyway :P

and just so the world knows, I love Katie Cameron <3.

End of story.

Wow, I'm so happy!
Goodnight.
<3lace

Happy Birthday? What's that?

While most children spend their days leading up to their birthday in sheer excitement for their numerous gifts and hugs and kisses from their family and friends, I just sort of coasted... trying to not admit that I was turned 19.

To me, my birthday was just another year I've been alive that represents lack of accomplishment and without a certain someone here to help me make it through my day, it was even harder.

Don't get me wrong, I have some great friends that spent the day with me, that I'm ridiculously fortunate to have...

But I think today would have been better, if it wasn't my birthday.


Yeah, I made it another year.

So what....


(baby, come home...)

Oh and as for an update

I got a B in math and As in everything else.

so my gpa this semester was a 3.75
which makes my overall gpa a 3.79




And all this makes me even more confused as to what my future holds.

Keeping time

Alright, so I'm really trying my best to keep up with this thing
and as today was a miserable day, I'll allow myself some venting.

So starting Saturday, I was like "hmm, my throat hurts a tad", however, nothing huge until Sunday morning, I get to work and want to kill myself. My throat was sore and my body was exhausted and I thought to myself, " Holy jeeze, I feel like I have mono again".

Today, I wake up with my throat half shut, and late for the studio. I pray this is strep by the way, as we have band stuff to get done, and antibiotics would be awesome right now.

Anyway, I pick up Dan and head to the studio, where no ones there. Frustrated and completely exhausted, I call Ryan, the producer, a bunch of times to see where he is, as I have work at 3.

Pretty much he forgot. It was already 12:53 and I had to LEAVE at 2 to be able to drop off Dan and still make work in time. WHICH, by the way, boss refused to let me off. I felt like death and she said "oh just wear gloves".

Anyway, so Dan gets mad at me because I'm a push over and I don't have the energy or audacity to tell him off for dicking around with our CD. We finished vocals January 29th and have yet to get a final version of our CD.

So Dan takes things into his own hands by calling some people and eventually getting us mixing time with Kevin Kumetz for 100 dollars and mastering for 95.

He's amazing. He pretty much bailed us out of hell in a matter of 20 minutes, and then proceeded to take care of the ill girlfriend back at his dad's house. Oy vey.

Don't know what I'd do without him... I've tried really hard to get shit off my back and chest and by myself, nothings worked...

I think he was the missing link to my recovery.
The rest of my body may be sick, but my heart seems to be doing just fine.

And as I've been listening to Say Anything lately,
that boy's got whoa...

First leg of the race, and I'm already winded...

It's already so late, and I'm ready to go to bed. However, this study math final has kept me up studying. I swear, all my stress could kill a cow, and what makes matters worse, is that I don't even know what I'm reaching for.
I've got a 3.8 gpa, and a C in this math class would bring me down to a 3.5 gpa, and frankly, I'd cry over it.

Yet, I'm reaching for the highest gpa possible, with aims to transfer to the best school possible, but I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I'm always racking my brain trying to figure out if I want to screw everything in my life and go across the country to a far away school and just start over or if I should hold on to everything I have here, friends, Sweet Talk, and others, and make the best of the dirty situations that I would love to run away from.


I honestly don't know what to do, who to rely on, or what to believe anymore...

and truth be told, just knowing that I don't know anything about my own life makes me want to run away for good.

First year of college is over.
Time for round two.


<3 lace

Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart.

So let's get one thing clear.
If you never understand another word out of my mouth.

Nothing about you or your personality excites me and in fact, it's your personality that bores me.
You've become someone I never want to get to know again, and frankly, I'm a little ashamed that I gave you so much of my mind and body.

So don't flatter yourself by assuming that I still have even an ounce of interest, and don't jump to conclusions about where my heart stands, because you've clearly misunderstood if you think it stands anywhere close to you.

I never wanted to be with you again... I just wanted to forget the past and 100% move on.
I have everything I could ever ask for,
and nothing can keep me from a consistent smile.

But lie to yourself as you must, to aid in sleeping at night.

It's not as if the all people who matter don't already know the truth.


(and for the record, I never wrote any songs about you.)

The new is in...

A few days ago, I felt all of my hope was gone.
I felt as if I had been pushing on in this race with a broken leg and a broken heart and only thing that kept me trying, kept me from giving up all hope was the people I hold so close to me, as if I was afraid to let them down, or let them see me fail.

I sat and waited.... for May 23rd to come... and then another year would have passed that I've wasted wondering how things would be different, had we not made the decisions we did.
I'd think about the fights we'd have, the things we'd say, the glances, the nights, the mornings, the summers, the winters, the tears.....

I'd think about everything I ever lied about... every time I ever walked away from you, praying things would end

I'd think about all the things that had broken my heart.. from my cousin Jocelyn, to my best friend, to my mom, to my dad, to myself...

and how you never understood any of it...

I spent so much time...so much effort trying to figure out everything.... trying to make everything right again.... secretly knowing, yet never willing to admit that it would never ever be fixed.

But it was the other night, that everything changed....

I had this weird feeling in my chest..
It was as if something was ripping my body open, one seam at a time, from the inside. The obnoxious pressure, ready to burst right through, only meant that something was changing in me. It's weird, because I felt myself growing up.
I felt myself taking control again and not letting the past dictate my actions
I felt myself letting go of all my preconceived notions about the world.
I felt myself shedding the weights of past grievances and discrepancies.
I felt myself becoming a new person.
and it hurt..

But this, this hurt... this was pain that you learn from. It's the pain that motivates you to move forward, to forget the past and strive for more, for something better.

It's the pain that makes you know you're changing.
Because God knows I'm changing for the better.


So with that dear world, I'm starting over.
No more troubles that cause tears that dry the next day.
No more screams and fights and lyrics wasted on people who don't matter anymore.

This is me shedding my old skin.
I'm fresh, I'm clean, and I'm ready to sing.
Ready to sing about the things, the people, and the experiences that matter most.
The things that make me happy to be alive.

This is the world as I know it.

Because, goddamn, the new is in, and I'm feeling better already.


Happy Birthday to me.

<3lace